Tuesday, November 30, 2004


never blogged about Thanksgiving.

Wow. Turkey day was great. I got the house clean and decorated it in a festive manner. (Nathan and I got matching wreathes at Target. I was looking for a nice sized wreath for my fireplace, and he pointed out this little "Charlie Brown" wreath and asked about it. "No- too small," I said. And then he proceeded to fluff it up and made it look just like the one I was looking for! Of course, then he got one for himself, too. He can't let me have anything for myself. Heh heh.)

Jim, James, Buddy, Robert, Regina, Casey, Nathan, Hermalinda, Ms. Eb, Millye, Anne, Ryne, Dean, JR, Alicia, Sammy, Travis, Duane, Beverly, Kim, Ted, and then some all joined in for a great afternoon of food, wine, beer, and fun.

My favorite moment was when Regina told James that up unitl then, she had never known what Jim saw in him. Something about a cranky, grey haired, old man. I almost spit my holiday cider out of my nose. My thoughts, exactly Regina! Heh heh.

The only other moment of note was the 20 minutes James and I spent trying to see if the turkey was ready. James had brought a meat thermoter and said when it reaches 180, it's done.

Not so, said I.

I was emphatic that we wait until the pop-up thermoter popped up. So we waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Before James pushed me out of the way and said "That bird is coming out, now."
And good thing, too.

Upon closer examination, we determined that I had not bought a turkey with a pop up timer.

We would STILL be sitting there, waiting for turkey if I'd had my way.

If you do not count the policemen storming the roof of our townhouses, it was pretty uneventful.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Experiencing The Divine .. Brass Kissing

Everyone knows I am huge

Bette fan. I love her voice, her wit, her quirkiness, and her liberal politics. I even do her in my show.
I have always said that Barbra Seville is part Bette, part Barbie, and part Suzanne Somers.

We got to see her this weekend. Walking in to America West Arena, we peaked at the set and I got so happy. No matter that I have seen her in concert 4 other times. No matter that I saw this exact tour just 10 months ago. It was exhilarating to see her set and know that she would be there in a short while. (Turns out that the Divine runs on drag time, too. She started almost 1/2 hour late.)

No matter though. Once she starts.. she is off and running. I am not a huge fan of the opening number. Maybe it is the acoustics of AWA, but I had a hard time understanding the words to "Kiss my Brass." I remember thinking that was the case at Glendale Arena in February. But the song is secondary to her jokes, banter, and stage presence. The local jokes (she always impresses me with those…) were especially funny. She even gave a shout out to her "boys in the Central Corridor."

From there it was a career in review. "Big Noise from Winnetka…Boogie Woogie/Stuff Like That There.." They were all there.

I don’t know if she toned down the political bend of the show because the election is over, or if she has just mellowed it because people get so up in arms. In any case most of her jabs were more thinly veiled. (If you do not count her recounting that George W caught her first tour back in the day- she thinks he scored tickets from his coke dealer.) Her take on the Mister Rogers song was also much more subtle. It still made me tear up a tiny bit. Even so, I loved her telling the room that world was being run by a bunch of hypocrites. And for those who do not know.. she "is not retiring..and you can’t make (her.)"

In fact, she is running for "Queen of the World." According to the Divine, she is not sure she could fix all of the problems of the world, but she is sure she could not PHUCK it up any worse!

I think the Broadway medley is overly long. I also think that the show turns the corner at that point and almost starts to drag. I was watching the show with a new perspective, though. My friend Nathan went with me, he is a fan of Bette’s, but I do not think he recognized most of the songs or some of the references. I could be wrong, though. There were also a few times in the show where I thought she sounded really canned. I was surprised by this, because she usually tells a joke like she is telling it for the first time. It only happened a few times, but I definitely got the impression that she was tired a few times. (Heaven knows she has every right..pushing 60 and doing a show that FEW could handle. PLUS singing her own songs …take that Ashley, Britney, and co.)

Her voice.
Wow. Several times I tuned to Nathan and could not get over how good she sounded. Her ballads (as always) were just amazing. For some reason, "Wind Beneath My Wings" really blew me away. I had tears streaming down my face during the entire song. I like the song well enough, and certainly I have heard her do it plenty of times, but there was something about it Saturday night that just did it to me.

Her takes on the Rosemary Clooney songs were amazing as well. She sounded so classy and refined on those songs. Then it is back to the bawdy, crass, and brassy Bette so many came to see. The "Sophie Tucker" jokes are always one of my favorites.

Her final songs of the evening were just amazing. I was expecting a few other songs, based on what I had read on-line
and from seeing the last show. She did not do the video clips from "The Rose." She did not close with "Friends/Cool Cool Cool of the Evening." And I think (not sure, though) she never wore the pretty black/red/burgandy/brownish dress that is in the program.

I wish that like the Diva Las Vegas concert, this one will be recorded and broadcast. She is one of the best (and last) show people out there. It would be a crime to not capture this performance on video.

There were times when I literally jumping up and down in my seat, she was so good.
Even with the minor complaints, I still give Bette 9.5 out of 10.
Even on a bad day, she is one of the most entertaining acts I have ever seen.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Regrets, I've Had a Few *or* Gratitude and Thanks

2004 has not been the kindest year to me.
The election knocked the wind out of my sails, my staph infection scared the hell out of me (and maybe even scarred me,) and Wink’s closed among other things. So if I wanted to, I would have every reason to be the most bitter, nasty, jaded queen I know.

But since this is Thanksgiving, I am going to make a list of all of the things in 2004 for which I am grateful.
My health- though we take it for granted, it can all turn on a dime.
My friends- even the ones that drop off the map for a while, even the ones I have fought with- they are family that we choose. Especially nice is making a new friend from an existing (if soured) relationship.
My family. I know you can’t pick them, but on the whole, I guess I did not get that bad of a shake. I even got to re-connect with some family I have not seen in years. (And in one case- ever.)
Stupid Nathan. All though he has worked my nerves, hurt my feelings, and made me so mad; he has also had a great impact and effect on me. I still him.
She-Lounge. Our new show has proven to be so much fun, so worth the extra effort, and a great experience. It definitely refreshed me.

So I am thankful for all of those things. But I am also thankful to live in America. I am thankful that when I go to bed at night, I do so knowing that I will probably wake up safe, in good health, and with many opportunities.

I will spend tomorrow cooking, baking, and getting ready for an afternoon and evening of friends, food, and fun. Lots of food, lots of music, wine, laughs, and stories. Last year I made everyone cry by asking them to tell the group what they are grateful for that year. Hopefully there will not be a replay of that, but I am looking forward to some special moments with some special people.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Would YOU Eat This?

Ah, the green bean casserole. Or as I like to call it, heartburn in a baking dish.
Last year, I made my very first Thanksgiving dinner. Since it was MY dinner, and in my house, I figured I could do things the way I wanted. For instance, I never really cared for pumpkin pie, so I did not make one. Ditto with green bean casserole.

You would have thought I was walking around with a cowpie on my head from the reactions I got.

"WHHAAT," squealed Aurora Gayheart in her inimitable tone, "No green bean casserole?" (who is not even white- so why she loves this white trash staple is beyond me.)

"Where's the pumpkin pie?" grumbled Sean Slattery as he put black olives on his fingertips.

"Is there any more wine?" slurred Claudia B. (She was drinking her dinner.)

So I learned my lesson. This year there will be sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, and Jim and James have even offered to bring a green bean casserole. He swears it is the best. Ms. Ebony is bringing deviled eggs.

But the highlight of the spread will be my home-baked bread. Yes, I bake bread. It's not too hard. I learned this recipe when I was really young. In an uncharacteristic fit of generosity, I am going to share the recipe with you.

3 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 (12-ounce) can of beer

1. Preheat oven to 375*F (190*C). Lightly grease or spray a 9 x 5 x 3-inch loaf pan with nonstick cooking spray.
2. Combine all ingredients, mixing well.
3. Pour into prepared loaf pan and bake for 45 minutes.


HEY. Wait a minute.
I wonder if when people invite me to their house if they complain about that "damn beer bread he is always pushing on people."

Friday, November 19, 2004

The Holy Mother With a Side of Fries

Have you seen this?

Someone (lots of someones!!!) thought they saw the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwhich.

Someone wants to pay $20,000 for this thing! I hope it comes with a brownie.

Other things I would like to see:

Princess Diana on the sole a Steve Madden shoe.

Elizabeth Montgomery's visage on a stain in my underwear.

Joan Crawford's mug in the rust stain in my shower.

How much could I get for those?

What's It All About?

My friend Lonnie used to work with me and he is a total computer geek- know it all- and overall WHIZ Kid.

He was showing me how to add graphics and links to my blog.
That 's what all the gobblygook below was about.

SHE-LOUNGE this Sunday.
It's our DON'T ASK/DON'T TELL Party PT. II.
You do not want to miss our new number.
SOOO cool.

Babs, Angela, Gia, and SPECIAL GUEST: SACHE.

I will have more pertinent blogs later. Right now, I am just learning how to use my blog.

In case you are reallllly lazy.

If youa re really lazy, you can click on the picture to go to LONNIE'S site.


Lonnie taught me how to put pictures in my blog!
How exciting!

How do you NOT love Lindsay?? Even without Wilmer?

Special Delivery

Lonnie came by today!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Oh, The Pressure!

My blog is not linked to my ne dot come just yet (as you know..since you are reading it) but it has already generated a little bit of interest and gotten some buzz. Which is totally cool.

Last night as I was lip sync-ing to Diana DeGarmo's fairly average version of "I Heard it Through The Grapevine," a handsome man told me he loved my blog. Now, I know a few of my friends read it and I have even heard that a few friends have passed it on to their friends (I'M LIKE A PANTENE COMMERCIAL!!! She told two friends, and so on, and so on.) but to hear from a total stranger (who was totally sweet, by the way..and I am not just sucking up to him because I know he is reading it.) that he reads it, likes it, and laughs out loud!?! Well that both delighted and unnerved me.

"Unnerved?" you ask? Well now I feel compelled to deliver good reading each entry. What if I am sad? What if I do not feel funny? What if nothing interesting happened that day? Do I have to put myself in ZANY situations? The Domino's Pizza entry was funny.. but that is an exception. It's not like I am falling down drunk every night.

Is it?

Heh heh.

What is about blogs, though? I know I tear through several of them each day. Part of it is just curiousity. Part of it is looking for a laugh. Part of it is because I feel like I know those people. Part of it is fascination with someone who seems to have a better life than mine.

Well, whatever reason brings you to my blog, WELCOME.
Thanks for coming.
Enjoy your stay.
And forgodssake, please put the seat back up when you are done!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

From My Lips To Your ears

Am I pretty?

"Carole Ann, when you clean the floor; you have to MOVE the tree."

I thought this was too funny.

On another topic. I cleaned, scrubbed, and rearranged my living/dining area this weekend. It looks really nice. You know what is wierd? I have never been the kind of person who gets all obsessive about cleaning the house or keeping things in order. But I think it’s kind of addictive. Once you start you just keep going. My dad is staying with me, and I am sure he must have thought I was on crystal meth from the way I was scrubbing baseboards and brushing the rug in the living room. I had him taking pictures down, putting them back up, moving them to another wall.

I want to put up my Christmas tree on Thanksgiving, so I cleared an area by the fireplace for it. I think I am going to REALLY decorate this year. This year has been really good for me, despite a few obstacles. I want to really celebrate the holidays because I am thankful.

I can’t wait!

Monday, November 15, 2004

Music Makes The People Come Together- OR -Wouldn't You Like To Be a Pepper, too?

Funny how a song can take you right back to a moment.
Certain songs can transport me to a specific time and place.

She Lounge.
Sunday Night.
Trash Disco:

"HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF" comes blaring through the speakers.
I cannot hear that Duran2 song without going back in time to SPRING, TEXAS. Not sure exactly how old I was. All I remember is a girl named Kim who lived across the street from us. One night she had a "dance" in her garage. All the kids from school came to the party. She liked me. I think I liked her, too. In a harmless, non-sexual way. There was punch, cookies, pop corn..kid party junk food.

Journey was singing "OPEN ARMS" on the radio and all the kids were slow dancing. I was dancing with KIM who looked really cool with her Gloria Vanderbilt jeans tucked in to purple suede boots.

All of a sudden "HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLD" came on and she kissed me. There she was in all of her 13 year glory, purple boots and all, giving little Ricky Stevens (yes- I was Ricky then) his first kiss. I do remember she was a bad kisser. I had never been kissed by a non-relative, but I knew that something was not right about that kiss. I wonder if it's because I wanted to be kissing her brother?

I also remember my first kiss from a guy. I was a year or two older and by this time I had no intentions of wasting my time kissing any more girls. But I remember he tasted like Dr. Pepper and Juicy Fruit gum. He worked at a gas station and I would always go talk to him after school. I had no idea if he was gay, but I would flirt with him. I don't think it was an obnoxious girly type of flirt..but I would hang out with him while he worked. One day after school I went to the gas station and (it was GAS STATION.. not a convenience store) he asked me to go across the street to CircleK to get him a Dr. Pepper. I brought him his "Thirsty Two Ouncer" and he told me I could keep the change. I asked him if I could have a sip. I told him I did not mind drinking after him. And then he leaned over and kissed me. He said he had never kissed a boy, but I don't know. He was also mean to me the next time I stopped at the gas station. I bet a shrink would have field day with that.

Friday, November 12, 2004

I'm Glad You Asked!

I get a lot of mail asking the same questions. For this reason, I have composed the following. Consider it a FAQ section (Frequently Asked Questions) here at BarbraSeville.com.

Some of the questions are silly.
Some are personal (nosey!)
Some are about starting in the drag business.
Some are harmless.

Read on:

How old are you?
I’m 32.

Are you single?

How did you get the name Barbra Seville?
It was partially a homage to Barbra Streisand, and partially a novelty name. (As in "The Barber of Seville.")

How long have you been doing drag?
10 years!

Do you want to be a full-time woman?
No, thank you.

Where do you get your clothes?
I get my drag all over. Target, E-bay, Dillard’s, Cache’. I make some stuff myself; other stuff, I have made.

What advice do you give people who want to start doing drag?
Find something special and make a name for yourself with it. Almost anyone can dance. Almost anyone can learn to do make up.
Create an identity or persona that people want to see and that they will remember.
Find some original material.
Be nice.
Take your time.
Do not get consumed by all of the madness.

Do you have a "real job."
Although I have done drag full time in the past (and it was more lucrative than some full time jobs I have had.) I have worked full time for the last 6 years.
In addition to the 9-5, I also work several shows per week. Usually 2, but sometimes as many as 4 or 5)

Who are you role models?
I have many. For originality and marketability, I cite RuPaul. He is a genius and deserves the success he has.

For my stage persona, it’s all about Bette Midler and Joan Rivers.

For my look: I always say that Miss Seville is the style of Princess Diana (RIP) and the body of Barbie. I love drag that is simple, clean, elegant, and unique.

Occasionally, you will see me step out of the box with a different or funky look. But for the most part, Barbra Seville is all about the Miss America/ Newscaster/ Stepford Wives kind of look.

My drag role models are Kenny Kerr, of Las Vegas. He is the wittiest and most glamorous queen I have ever seen.
Catia Lee Love, of Oklahoma. Great body, gorgeous wardrobe, sharp as a tack, and humble. Visit her: catialeelove.com

Are you and Angela Dodd really friends? Or is this a "Marriage of Convenience.?"

Do you have a drag mother? Drag children?
Yes. My mother is the legendary Pussy LeHoot. She taught me about make up, hair, and clothes. Her wit has inspired me. Even when she is falling down drunk- she still looks impeccable.

My drag daughter(s):
Virginia Sacrifice is almost a daughter to me. Although I helped him start and guided him in the early stages..I consider him more of a drag sister.
Claudia B. "The Supermodel." I knew she had "it," when I first met her. She will go very far if she stays (gets on?) the right track.

Thanks for asking!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Lazy Days and Pizza

So last night I got home to find a cheery little sign on my door advertising a SPECIAL!!! from Domino's.
I guess business is slow, because now (for a limited time!) you can get a large pizza delivered to your door for $5.95. SWEET! I love pizza. I love bargains! This could be a good night for me!

So I barely had the door open, watched a few minutes of porn, and cleaned up, before I had the phone in my hands dialing away for Pizza on the cheap.

You can imagine the horror when they told me I was on their DO NOT DELIVER list.


I knew there must be some mistake, because .. I mean. Hello. I am a BIG time fan of having food brought to my door. I have pizza delivered once or twice a week. They know me by name at Domino's! (And Pizza Hut..and Papa John's..and Autumn Court..)

So I asked to speak to a manager. He told me that on Saturday, October 31st at 1:30 in the morning, someone calling from my phone (perhaps me?) ordered 2 medium pizzas with pepperoni (pan style) and a two liter bottle of diet coke. (Sounds like me.) Ok.. what is so wrong with that?


It seems around 2:15, they came a-knock, knock, knockin on Barbra's door.
No answer.
So around 2:20, they went a call, call, callin on Barbra's phone.
No answer.
Around 2:30, they gave up and put me on the "NO PIZZA FOR YOU" list.

First of all, I had no idea such a cruel list existed. After gathering my emotions that the world could be so cruel as to have a list of people for whom having piping hot pizza delivered to their doors was not an option, I quickly decided that this must be part of George W. Bush's plan to make my life more miserable.

I was made to feel like I was part of Al Pieda. (Get it? A pizza is a PIE. PIEDA rymes with Quida... I crack me up.)

After a few minutes of begging and pleading (and yes.. the possibility of sexual favors was raised) the nice manager agreed to take me off of Pizza Restriction.

The lesson that we have learned here? You must never drunkenly dial for pizza. Well, that's too unreasonable lesson. You must never fall asleep before your pizza arrives if you drunk dial the pizza man.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

That's Incredile!

Last night I went to see "The Incredibles" with my premier ex-boyfriend, Parley. That's PARLEY. Not Farley, Harley, or Parsley.
I say premier ex because he was my first real true love, and definately the boy that I measure all others by. Other guys are taller than Parley, older than Parley. Not as smart as Parley. More laid back than Parley. Etc.

More than once I looked at him and was taken at how handsome he is. Still is. And boyish, too. Not like a kid. But he has aged well. I met him when I was 18. We tormented each other over the years. Dating, breakingup. Being jealous. Being friends. Stalking one another. Hooking up occasionally. There is a strange comfort with him. He pisses me off, though. He will disappear for weeks, not returning emails or calls. There was a time when I had not heard from him for over a year. We talked about boys we have dated. Ones we are dating. Ones we wished we never dated. One we wished we had.

Back to the movie. It is great. Much better than I expected. The animation is top notch, the story is witty, clever, and original. It is basically just a re-inforcement of the message that family is important. But underneath it, it also stresses the importance of being yourself, being true to yourself, and letting others be themselves.

My favorite character is the costume designer voiced by Brad Bird. She is a combination of Edith Head, Anna Wintour, and Mrs. Meers from "Thoroughly Modern Millie." Her part is much too small, and I would expect there to be a TON of deleted scenes of hers on the DVD.

I modified my blog so that people can reply to my entries. Up until I mdified it, I had no idea that you couldn't. If something strikes your fancy.. feel free to share with us.

OH- I got the final word- my site is being launched MONDAY MORNING.
Yea me. Yea Spenser.
Look for my new site then.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Say, "When!"

You know when someone fills your cup of coffee and they tell you, "Say when?"
You are suppossed to say "when" when you have enough.

When have you had enough?
When do you just slap yourself in the face and say, "WHEN?"

Is the definition of insanity really repeating behavior and expecting different results?

What is the difference between persistance and stupidity?

Where is the line between patience and clueless-ness?

Where is the line between a relationship that is "special and complicated," and a relationship that is "pathetic and unhealthy?"

In Kenny Rogers-speak how do you "...know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em? Know when to walk away? Know when to run?"

Friday, November 05, 2004

Desperate, Delicious, Deranged Hosewives-es

I love this show. No- Really. I love it. I love Terri Hatcher's "never can catch a break" character, Susan. I get a kick out of Bree Van DeKamp (what's that actress's name? Marcia Cross?) I am like Eva Longoria and would jump John's bone's just like Gabby if I had the chance. Oh...and how can you not feel for Felecity Huffman's character? Consigned to sitting at home with the two most rotten children ever.

I have watched most of the shows on tape, but seen a lot of them also in the "encore" runs. Or caught sneak previews on Entertainment Tonight. This show is everything that TV should be. It is funny, thought provoking, original, completely unpredicatable, and well acted.

Of course the queen in me is never mad at the meticulous attention paid to the hair, make up, clothes, and shoes on display. These gals make the Stepford Wives seem like slouches.

Since I obsess on my favorite things, I had to learn more about the show. OF COURSE- it is written by a gay guy. DUH. He also worked on Golden Girls. Again, DUH.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

why we still win

Huge props and thanks to my woderful friend Ted/ Devina for inspiring this.

We still won- and here's why.

After hearing that we do not matter or being told that we are not deserving of some basic rights for so many years- so many of you exercised your right to vote for the first time.

Some of my friends voted for the very first time. Some of our friends and family voted for the first time in years. A lot of them volunteered for a political campaign for the very first time. Many of them talked about politics for the first time. A good deal of them educated themselves about issues for the very first time. Better yet, so many educated others and inspired others about this election.

We made phone calls, sent e-mails, talked to strangers, did pub crawls, registered people to vote, worked polling places, delivered early ballots to polling places, and even taught people HOW to vote. When I talked to Ted about this today, I realized that we were not just doing this to elect John Kerry. In hindsight, I can see that this was the short term goal.

Casting a ballot is not just about making your voice heard about a particular candidate or issue. It is about declaring that your voice matters, that your opinion counts, and that you matter. It tells the world that you are someone. It is your voice.

I think I told some of you how proud I was when I walked in to my polling place yesterday morning. I saw two people who were there to make their voice heard because we registered them on a Stonewall Democrat bar crawl. These were two grown men who realized that they were important enough to have their voices heard. These were two people who got the inspiration to tell the world that they are a part of this system and they will be heard.

I am done counting ballots, watching polls, and listening to pundits for now. Instead I am going to look at the election of '04 and count better things.


4 More Beers

Well, that certainly says it all. 4 more beers is better than four more years, four more minutes, or four more seconds.

Words fail me as of right now. Sad, depressed, hopeless, listless. At this point, I will look for something positive. Anything. I am also going to continue my search for something better and hope that someone, somewhere is looking out for me and for you.

Mostly right now, I am worried about the people who will continue this war, the people who will die in this war, and the people who will be left alone by this war. I am worried that so many people think that our country is headed in the right direction.

I believed that better times are ahead with a Kerry victory. I really felt good about that.
Thanks John, thank you Theresa. Thanks John Edwards, thank you Elizabeth Edwards.

George Bush talks a good talk about being a uniter, bridging the gap, and changing the tone. Will he do it? Can he do it? Will he try?
As of now, I am going to try to believe him. I am even going to give him a chance. Maybe it won't make a difference, but it will make me less angry. All I can do is look out for myself, now.

Good luck Mr. President and SOMEONE please bless America.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Tossin and Turning... Tossing and Turning All Night

Like the old song goes, I was tossing and turning all night. When I was a little boy, I could never sleep the whole night through before Christmas. I would be up all night, waiting for Santa to come. (On a side note, even though there were several years when my family was poor as I grew up, I cannot remember a single sad Christmas.) I would work myself up so badly and get so wound up waiting for Christmas that I would often spend Christmas morning on the potty, having given myself an upset stomach.

But last night, I tossed and turned because I was so excited and nervous about today's election. I got up early and got to vote on my way to work. It was an amazing feeling when they handed me my ballot. (I may be hormonal or near a breakdown.. because I have been near tears all day yesterday and today.) I actually got a little emotional when I got to vote. Silly, huh?

I saw two people in the line to vote who I PERSONALLY registered a few weeks back. AWESOME.

It's out of my hands now.

Nathan, Hermie, and I went to see "RAY" last night. IT WAS SO good. I cannot reccommend it highly enough. I spent the night at Nathan's and called in sick to work. So we (all three of us) slept late, ordered pizza, and went to a movie.

Halloween's show was crazy. It was so much fun and I love seeing boys in costumes. Superheroes are my favorite. (I wonder what a therapist would say about that.?.?.?)

I promised I would mention N8's gr8 butt, but now I feel bad. Maybe it's not appropriate. BUT, I will tell you that it is perfectly sized, shaped, and colored. (I know it sounds like I am buying fruit.) It is so pretty and cute (and he knows it..) you just want to spank it or kiss it.

That's probably enough.