Thursday, June 29, 2006

MySpace is Your Space- Your Space is MySpace

http://www.myspace.com/thebarbra


I have been getting a lot of questions about my web-site (I am working on it right now...) and about MySpace. You can find me on Myspace : http://www.myspace.com/thebarbra


I really do not know how much more in touch I can be.

How many subsitutes for real interaction will we come up with? Text? IM? Blog? MySpace? Email?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN!

Well, maybe not everywhere- but I have put a few miles on my ass this weekend.

On Friday I was in Tucson for another FANTASTIC show at COLORS. I really like this bar. It is cute, smallish, and non-smoking. The only catch? It is a two girl show, and you dress outside in a travel trailer. It is cute, air conditioned,and clean. That is not the problem. The problem is, I cannot hear when Lucinda introduces me to go on stage. So I was late for two of my three numbers. Ugh.

But the show was awesome ( and I was SOBER!), crowd was fantastic, and I had a great time. My friends Jennifer and Sandra kept me company and we had fun on the road trip.

Early Saturday morning (9:30!) I met up with Jeff and Parley for a road trip to Jerome. It was so much fun. As always, it was great to see Parley. We caught up a little, laughed a lot, and talked trash about other people.

Jeff introduced me to his, shall we say "eclectic" musical tastes? Seriously, if your iPod says something about you, I am not sure what his says. I am just glad I found the DUSTY SPRINGFIELD (that is the "lunchable lady", to you Ted) and Walk The Line albums.

We had a great lunch, walked all over the city of Jerome (which is far less walking than it implies...), and shopped in the antique stores.

A great way to spend a great day. But it was over too soon, and I was back in drag at Miggie B's.
Wow. What a fantastic show. It was INSANE and INSANELY HOT. The show really was awesome, though. Really a great one. (Even if I was not as sober.)

Sunday found me recovering from the long day and night before. And then before I knew it, I was back on stage. It was Victoria London's retirement party. It was a GREAT crowd. (Like I told Victoria: If you give the public what they want, they will turn out for it.) I had a fabulous time- and a very memorable show. The shows there are a bit long, so I decided to make this a sober show, too. It felt great to really be in the moment, and bask in the spotlight without a buzz. I made an insane amount of money, too. All in all a great show.

I was surprised Victoria London asked me to be in her final show. We have never had a problem (that I know of), but she has never really had anything nice to say about me. Usually her compliments are back-handed or non-existant. I have always admired him for being such a professional in the industry. He sews, does hair, does nails, and has an original vibe about him. His costumes are always fabulous, his hair is always immaculate, and he has done a great job of creating a niche for himself. I admire and respect that a great deal.

At the end of the night,he gave a farewell speech. He said some not so nice things about some people, and he said some nice things about me and a few others. It caught me off-guard, to be honest. But perhaps that is part of how he feels about me. I hope it was genuine, because it was very kind. It made me feel good to have him describe me in the ranks of some of the other people he mentioned (most of whom I admire and respect..).

Good luck Scott "Victoria London" Tickler. I hope you enjoy some quiet time, and find another way to indulge your creative urges. As I said in the dressing room- I am not sad for you, because if drag is not bringing you happiness, I would not want you to do it. But you can always remember that you have made people smile, laugh, think, and remember. There is really not more that you can ask for as an entertainer. Thank you for including me on your final night.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

An Embarrasment of Riches

Thursday night was a great night. It was the Echo Magazine Reader's Choice Awards at Sky Lounge. It is kind of well documneted that I have had the blues, the blahs, and just generally been miserable these last few weeks. But I decided to suck it all up and participate in the awards and have a good time. I had agreed to perform and present a few awards, because I was nominated for Favorite Female Impersonator. I was also nominated for Best Website (my un-updated www.BarbraSeville.com )

I could not figure out what I wanted to perform, and finally I found the right songs. I chose "My Life" by Donna Summer, because it really encapsulated how I feel right now and how I feel about my life on stage. It was kind of stretch for me- it involved more dancing than I am used to, and it is a longer piece than I usually perform. It felt right- and I can honestly say that I left all of my troubles in the dressing room when I hit the stage. It really was one off my favorite performances ever. I felt it- and I felt like it connected.

After all was said and done, I won two awards. It was pretty great to hear my name called again. (Even though I really, REALLY wanted to win, I am almost embarrassed. I think this makes the 5th or 6th time I have won.) Unfortunately, I had to collect my award after dancing my troubles away, so I was drenched in sweat. I felt so unnatractive. But it felt good to accept the award from my friend, and former boss.

The night was especially sweet because I got to see Teddy, Tim, Mel, and some of my other Echo friends. After it was all over, I bullied erin and Traycie to join me at Amsterrdam.

It really is an honor to be nominated. It is great to win. But it really rocks to win when you are feeling down and out.

If you voted for me: THANK YOU!
You made an old drag queen smile.

:0)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Have You Ever Been Low?

Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
-Kelly Clarkson

It is funny what a little bit of drama can do to your point of view. For instance, after the dramatic events of a few days back, I have never felt more disconnected and disillusioned in some of my friends.

Some people have been so warm and wonderful to me (and thank you for the emails you guys..) and others have acted like they don't know me, now. This has caused me to look again at some of the friendships I have entered. I have done a lot of thinking, stewing, and evaluating lately. It makes me sad and hurts my heart that a good deal of the feelings I have brought forward have not been good.


On a different yet related front- I decided to give myself some time away from the booze. As much as I hate to admit it, I think that a good deal of the ickiness I felt from Flagstaff Pride came from simply drinking too much. I acted in a way that I would not normally allow. Everyone keeps blaming it on the altitude (anyone know if you can get more drunk in the high altitude??)- but I blame it on drinking all day and night. :0)~

So, I have decided to clean my system out and look at life, drag, and my friends through sober eyes. I have never thought I needed a drink in me to perform or to perform well, but since we perforn IN BARS, I usually have a nice buzz going by mid-show. (although, when ever I had to dance with Angela, I would always do an extra shot of liquid courage! Often when I step out of the comfort zone of my performances, I would drink a little more, too...) But I have done the last two shows with no drinking at all. It is a great relief that I can tell you that it did not impede my enjoyment levels of performing at all. It is with little relief that I report that I found most of the queens harder to deal with. I wonder what that means.

I have shows all week- and I am going to see how long I last before I enjoy a cocktail. Maybe I will share that info. Or maybe I won't.

AGH!!!!!
I am so excited that Parley Joe (my premier ex-boyfriend) will be in town this weekend, with his premier current boyfriend, Nick. I have not met Nick- and not seen Parley in a while. So we are going to take a car trip on Saturday and visit. I cannot wait.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Gone Are The Dark Clouds

So I wrote about a dark day or two, and shared that I have been in a little bit of a dark place. I am going to spare you the details, but trust me when I say things are looking up for me. I didn't mean to imply that I was suicidal, despondant, or sitting in a dark room crying. Depression does creep up on us, sometimes we don't even recognize it. After a while, you can recognize it from a distance.

But today I full of gratitude. One of the things I was so upset about from this weekend was that my drag bag was stolen from backstage. When I went to collect payment for the PHABULOUS showgirls who perform in the Phoenix Phollies, I took my eyes of of my drag bag for a second. Mind you, this was in a secure area, with fencing and security. In any case, when I came back it was gone. No one saw it, No one had it. I was horrified, because it contained all of my costumes, hair, shoes, jewelry,make up, make up brushes, fake breasts, boots, custom made performance tracks, TIPS from the shows, and the essentials that I use for a show (pads, tights, dance belts, underwear, etc..). All told, the bag was carrying over $2,500 worth of stuff.

I was beside myself.
It made my shitty weekend even worse.

After a day or two of looking for it, trying to track it down, I finally resigned myself to the fact that it was gone. I told myself that they were only belongings, and that everything could be replaced (even though most of it totally could not!), and reminded myself not to be so damn material. In fact, yesterday I started replacing some of the things.


This morning, I get an email from my MOMMY! Someone from the Radisson Hotel called her from my cell phone (also in the bag) to say they had my bag. That is right, Someone took my bag by mistake and returned it to the hotel where they saw me. I think they only knew it was my bag because earlier in the day, someone gave me a stack of photos of myself with THE PHABULOUS PHOENIX PHOLLIES.

Today, my bag was returned to me. In tact. In shape. Every dollar, ring, shoe, cd, and bra.

Oddly, on Saturday, I found a bag in one of the porta potties at Pride. I put it away, and was able to return it to it's owner later that day. Can you say KARMA?
Which is funny, because some cud-chewing cow told the world that my crappy weekend was karma coming for me. I had a feeling she was wrong (and a cunt).

Beyond the return of my material things, I have also been able to touch base with a few people and talk to them about what is going on in my world. It felt good to be able to let someone else be strong and listen to me. It felt good to have people tell me they care about me. It felt good to tell people I love them.

There are still some more people I need to talk to. And there is still some thinking I need to do. But I feel better. Much better.

I will enable comments when I feel like having a two way conversation. Right now, my blog is for me. It is helping me figure out how I feel.
Thanks for your interest.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Pride In the Pines

So I went to celebrate Pride in Flagstaff and came home more ashamed of myself than I have felt in a long time.

The festival was great. The people were amazing. The staff that put it all together really outdid themselves.

But the weekend is nothing but a blur of hurt feelings, bad decisions, embarrassment, and regret.

It has become really clear to me in the last day or two that I have been going through some sort of depression. At first, I thought I was tired. Then I thought I was sick and recovering from my hellish wisdom-teeth experience. For a while I thought I was just relaxing, since I have worked so much over the last few years. (Indulge me if I sound over-dramatic, but for the last 4 years, I have been pulling 40 hours a week, plus 3-5 shows a week. My job was not especially stressing, but it could be draining on my emotions at times.)

While I was sitting home alone, I realized just how far away I have pushed the very people I love the most: my family, Buddy, Nathan, my Echo friends, and really anyone who takes the slightest interest in me. It has been so gradual, that I hardly even noticed it.

But I see it now. I see some of the bad decisions. I see the way I have neglected myself and some of my friends. I see the way I have acted like I did not want anyone near me, when more than anything, I needed someone to hug me, listen to me, or love me. I look around my rooms, and wonder who the hell lives here, because it is not the person I want to be, or worse; the person I thought I was.


This will not be me, not any longer.